life after baby- lots of smiles with a side of tears

Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since my son was born. I wanted like hell to blog at 2 weeks and at 4 weeks but that didn’t happen ūüė¶ We were just away on a mini family vacation up north and I kept thinking about how bad I wanted to share what my life has been like after child number two was here so tonight I will not check my bank statement or face book, or even email first, I will blog.

We did not have much time blocked off work (well if he would have come on time instead of 2 and a half weeks late we would have had a little more). ¬†My husband had to photograph two weddings the first weekend that I was home, luckily my mother in-law came and stayed with me! ¬†With my daughter I did not rest too much, I felt like I had to do laundry etc…this time I knew I would be taking advantage of the help when I had it because it doesn’t last forever! Plus with having a repeat c-section the healing was gonna be harder and I did not want to hinder that at all. For 2 weeks I did not do any stairs, drive, or carry anything heavy, it drove me crazy but I listened. ¬†I was very thankful for my mom, sister, and mother-in-law they helped me out when Dave was working. ¬†I will say that I am very¬†fortunate¬†that my husband works (mainly) from home, Dave put our daughter to bed every night. ¬†I really missed doing this but it was nice to have him do it so I could focus on getting the baby to bed and she could still get her quality bed time routine.

I had a hard time with putting diapers on a boy!! I took me a while to master tucking it down straight so I would not have pee coming out of the sides of the diapers!!  He has peed on us 2 times, once during a bath.  Charley laughed and said it was like a rainbow! lol

The first week and a half went great but then came bedtime of day 10. ¬†Dave went out and it was going to be the first time that I had to put both kids to bed- no problem right, my daughter always goes to bed¬†wonderfully…Ha! not tonight. ¬†I guess it was from the lack of my attention but she wouldn’t listen and was refusing to lay down, then when I went to nurse the baby before putting him to bed she continued to whine (which I hate). ¬†It was like she knew that I couldn’t do¬†anything¬†about it so she was just gonna be a brat. ¬†I felt a terrible¬†feeling¬†of anger and I wanted to call Dave and tell him to come home and deal with it but then I knew he needed a night out and there was no reason why my child should not go to bed for me. ¬†I gave her a¬†warning¬†and she would still not stop so I yelled and then she backed into the corner of her bed (that I can not reach) crying for her daddy. ¬†This made me feel very mad and sad all in one. ¬†So now I am mad and crying. ¬†I knew that I had not been there for her as much since I had the baby but her behavior made my blood boil. After I¬†visualized¬†myself punching a wall , I texted my friend about me punching a wall-this really did make me feel better- I went back into her room and asked her for a hug. ¬†We both wiped our tear and snot covered faces, talked about what happened and went to bed.

Day 11. ¬†Still upset from last night, I was laying in bed feeding the baby and all of a sudden it hit me, something the nurse had said before we made our¬†decision¬†to have a cesarean. ((if you don’t know I was planned a home birth for my 2nd child after an¬†unnecessary¬†c-section with my 1st, I was in labor for 50 hrs before¬†transferring¬†to the hospital- see previous blogs for full stories) After being¬†dilated¬†to 4 for hours and hours (¬†around¬†15 total) ¬†I had an epidural to rest so I could hopefully have enough energy to finish my VBAC, hopefully something would happen during that time that would make me move to a 5 even…anything more than a 4 and I would have the encouragement I desperately needed to keep trying myself. Dave and I had said that if I hadn’t¬†dilated¬†any more then we would go ahead with a cesarean because we were both ready to meet our son and I sure did try like hell to¬†deliver¬†him¬†naturally.) ¬†So like I said I was laying in bed 11 days after having my son and it was like someone just punched me with a memory. “Not much different” I heard her voice say. Flashback to hospital,after 3 hours of the epidural , the Dr came in and asked if we wanted to¬†discuss¬†options before or after she checked me…we said after (like I said we had made up our minds). The Dr said ,”Not much different”

Not much¬†different?!! Oh my god… why didn’t I question this?! A 4 and a little more or a 5 may be not much different to most Drs but to me that would have meant it was change and that was all I needed to go on. ¬†SHe didn’t say “your still at a 4” or “no change” ¬†I started to cry..there in my bed nursing my son the tears started flowing and I could not turn them off. ¬†I cried for hours, every time I tried to talk I just cried harder I don’t think I have ever cried like that. ¬†I got mad at Dave for questioning my crying and yelled something about “Im allowed to cry I just had a baby “(which didn’t help but I just couldn’t talk to him at the moment) ¬†I sent my midwife a message asking if there was some magical homeopathic pill or foods to help with the¬†uncontrollable¬†sobbing. ¬†She said yes, and called me but I couldn’t answer and I sent her a message back saying I would call her when I could actually talk again. Later on I talked to her for a good 40 min. (at this point Dave was not home). I told her about my daughter acting up and how I was so angry that I really wanted to put a hole in the wall, ¬†she talked to me about what her and her friends had thought about when they were angry or depressed after having a baby and it made me feel soooo much better. ¬†Then I told her about the sadness that I felt wondering about if I had once again had a¬†cesarean¬†that I didn’t need. ¬† This was very good for me to talk to her about, we went over things about my labor and it made me feel so much better. ¬†(I have to throw in – to those of you that have been¬†asking¬†me about differences of¬†working¬†with a midwife over a Dr.- one of the biggest things is the level of compassion they have and that they treat you like a person, even more so like a friend or family¬†member. Had I called my ob/gyn and said I was angered they would have written me a script for anti-depressants¬†with out¬†talking¬†to me. ¬†That night I told Dave how I had talked to her¬†about¬†everything and I was able to explain all my thoughts to him and then him and I were able to talk about it too so I felt 100 % better.

I can not stress the importance of being able to talk to someone and getting your feelings out. ¬†Had I not talked to anyone I would have continued to be sad and mad and let everything build up until I really did explode…and obviously that is not good for anyone.

The next day I felt wonderful and have ever since.  I never did buy the homeopathic pills for grieving but I am glad to know they are out there. (Ignatia is the name of them).  I will gladly listen to anyone that is feeling down- trust me it is nice to know that when you are feeling crazy- your not really crazy.

Now 6 weeks in of being a mother of 2 I am feeling pretty good. ¬†I love seeing my son’s little smiles and I am amazed at how much he has grown already. I love the way he holds on to me as he is nursing and always turns his head away when he is done with a look of drunken happiness. ¬†Very excited that he has a schedule that he set, that works wonderfully for me.¬† I love¬†listening¬†to the songs that Charley sings to her brother, and the way she rubs my back or offers to cover me up so I can rest. ¬†I love watching Dave with our children and I am so thankful to have his constant support.. I am also pretty excited that today he complimented how flat my stomach was getting! (it is by no means flat but when he said that I felt like a supermodel.)

Last week I had to shoot a wedding, it was going to be my first time away from my son (besides¬†a 15 min ride to starbucks once). ¬† I knew my babies would be taken care of so that wasn’t a concern but that morning as I was nursing Ronin I¬†realize¬†that I couldn’t explain to him that I would be back . This made me cry but luckily only for a couple minutes and he was wonderful for my mother-in-law so I was able to work all day with out feeling bad…and when I got home and nursed him to bed it was like I was never gone.

I recently went back in to the Dr that did my surgery (awesome man- not the person that said “not much different”), because I was having really bad pain. I was actually in more pain now then right after my surgery. ¬†I was certain that something was wrong, turns out healing just takes longer…a repeat c-section and having to take care of 2 kids and life makes it pretty hard to not “over do it.” ¬†I will take his advice and go back to not carrying heavy things and not to vacuum though ūüėČ

I know this blog is all over the place, don’t hold it against me..I am trying to get it all out there in between loads of laundry and get it done fast enough to get some sleep! ¬†I want to say that since I wrote my birth story I received lots of wonderful words from people and I greatly appreciate them, I also love hearing everyone else’s stories. ¬†My favorite thing though has been the people that have told me they didn’t know that they could have a VBAC, or a home birth, or that I have inspired them to stand up for what they want. ¬†Just because I didn’t get to have my VBAC don’t think that I am unhappy. ¬†I am so¬†grateful¬†for my long long labor and for the birth of my son. ¬†I hope because of my story even one person can have their VBAC they didn’t know they could¬†achieve¬†or that someone tells their Dr “no, I don’t have to have pitocin, or any other intervention”. ¬†A few people have wanted to chat with me lately about having a midwife and I will always chat about this!! If you are considering a midwife I promise you it will be a¬†decision¬†you will not regret.

Until next time, I will continue my days being peed on, pooped on, spit- up on, and having milk leak on me and every time that little boy smiles it makes it all worth it.

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